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Paul Ryan and Todd Akins -- Two Pea-Brains in a Pod -- Scared To Death of "Man-Hungry" Vaginas With "Shark Teeth"!

By Bifford Caulfied -- The Republican world went nuts on Monday in response to poor Todd Akins, Senatorial candidate running against Claire McCaskell in Missouri, stating the official Republican position on rape and abortion.   VP candidate Ryan and Akins are partners in Republican crime in the House of Representatives, and co-sponsored House bill HR-3, which dealt with abortion and attempted to limit or parse or more "completely" re-define all the Republican fantasies about what "rape" was -- or cuold be -- not just in a television interview in St. Louis, but in the House of Representatives of the United States of America -- and sought to make "personhood" at the moment of conception the law of the land -- and tried to add nuance to the discussion of "rape", by establishing a formal process, reminiscent of a jury trial -- simply to determine if an alleged act of rape was "really" an act of "forcible" rape -- and therefore legitimate -- before charges were filed and the crime of rape charged and prosecuted in a court of law.  It's like Republicans are either -- or want to be -- compulsive serial rapists -- and are just trying to pass a federal law covering their not unsubstantial behinds. .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      . I always thought rape itself meant an act of "forcible" rape, but Paul Ryan and Todd Akins (and most if not all of their Republican counterparts - apparently) envisioned a much more subtle and nuanced brand of rape, one in which who was actually to blame for the "rape" was more complex -- and harder to determine.  Other factors were to be considered, it seems, in HR-3.  Things like, "was the woman alleging "forcible" rape dressed scantily, alluringly -- or provocatively.   Had she had a lot to drink -- you know, such that her vamping tendencies might be somewhat less inhibited?  Was she in an inappropriate place -- in a "lusty" part of town?  Was it dark -- dark can be inviting, you know? .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      . I go out with friends from time to time -- and sometimes we stop for a beer at a little bar in a town of 45 on a dark road on the way to my place.  And I can promise you this -- if one or several of these nutty, creepy, "forcible rape" talking nut cases came into that or any other of a number of small bars in northwest country in the state of Washington -- we would just toss their asses out into the street and kick the sh-t out of them right there  -- and be done with it -- then send them back to the looney bin.  "Legitimate rape" and "forcible" rape, my arse! .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        . And if there is such a thing as "forcible" rape  -- then is there an "unforcible" rape?  And what might that be?   A rapist with a limp linguini dangles it provocatively over a "man-hungry" vagina with shark teeth or something) until -- properly provoked -- it roars into action and goes gnawing on his diminutive linguini until it is literally consumed by wanton vagina -- against its will  -- squeezing all the sperm out of the poor little rascal --  for the sole purpose of impregnating itself -- in order to "illegitimately" and "unforcibly"  blame the helpless little limp biscuit rapist for an act the poor passive bastard was just quite simply totally incapable of committing?  Aw, yes.   It's like all Republicans got their sex education as an alter boy in the Roman catholic church -- or in the old shed out back of the house with one of the older boys reading "The Complete Book of Sexual Erotica" to them.  Good lord!   How hapless and insane can these sick puppy Republicans get? .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        . And the most sickening part.   Paul Ryan and Todd Akins are nutcase1 and nutcase2, respectively, and are also "ideological blood-brothers" on the issues of abortion, personhood, and "forcible" and "legitimate" and "illegitimate" rape!   And Republicans are calling on nutcase2 to withdraw from the Senate race in his home state as soon as today -- and nutcase1 is running for his life for Vice-President of the United States with Grandfather Nutcase, Mitt Romney, who is running for his for President of the United States.  It'd be hilarious -- if it wasn't so tragic!