Category → Hoodies Cause Murder
By Tony Petramonico — In view of the fact that it has been more than a month now and the state of Florida still can not figure out whether or not a crime has been committed in the Trayvon Martin case, I recommend we immediately submit legislation for a new law in Florida called the “Self-Defense Against the ‘Stand Your Ground’ Law”.
This would be a law in which an armed “neighborhood watch captain” packing a gun pursuing an unarmed teenager with a bag of skittles returning from a “‘Qwik-Shop” run for his little brother, would be cause for us to open our apartment door and open fire on George Zimmerman, not because he looked suspicious but simply because he was carrying a gun — and guns — as we found out in the Trayvon Martin case — can kill people!
In the interim, though, while the legislation is pending, give your kid a loaded gun with the safety off and plenty of bullets whenever they leave the house wearing a hoodie. Tell them that if a “non-black” person follows them slowly in their SUV, and then gets out of the SUV to pursue them on foot when they deliberately alter their route so the stalker can’t follow them in the SUV any longer — tell them to drop down on one knee and shoot to kill the instant the pursuer’s foot hits the ground, and tell them to keep shooting until the gun is empty or the perpetrator is dead. If the pursuer keeps coming, tell them to reload and keep firing until the stalker is dead.
Yes, it would be messy. Your kid may have to go into hiding for a few days — or move, temporarily. You may have to leak stories to the press saying that he/she mentors little white kids in their spare time . Friends, neighbors and casual acquaintances from work or school may have to be trotted out to proclaim that if there is anything your kid is not, it is that he/she is not racist, is not a trouble maker, and is just a security minded, good samaritan black kid — out doing the all-american thing.
Oh, yes… and the kid may have to hit himself with something, draw a little blood, claim to have a broken nose, and allege that he felt threatened, was suspicious of the guy, and in fact was actually frontally assaulted by the guy, and then the kid shot him — in self-defense.
Evidence from the crime scene may have to be destroyed, ignored, or misplaced. The state attorney may have to intervene and declare that a dead body and a smoking pistol in this particular case are not enough evidence of wrong doing to press charges or make any arrests. Somebody somewhere might have to make a phone call, you know.
You may even have to release information that George Zimmerman once spit on a girl in second grade, and that he kicked at a stray dog but missed once on a school picnic. You may have to leak a story to the press that a friend of George’s older brother once knew a guy that was alleged to have smoked marijuana before. Or maybe the neighborhood watch captain once peed on a little old lady in tennis shoe’s rose bush there in the neighborhood. You may have to reveal to the world that George was suspended once for being disrespectful to a teacher at school. Two days. And that he was actually suspended more than once. Thuggish! Clearly. And two other things. Reveal that he once put a dead mouse in a female schoolmate’s wall locker, making her throw up a little bit in her mouth when she found it.
And a few schoolmates may have to go on national television and tell the American public emphatically that there is no evidence that your kid ever killed anybody before — in his/her whole life. That you have always been a real good guy — except for the 49 times you called 911 reporting a strange white kid 7-9 years old in the subdivision –oh, yeah, there was that time you punched a policeman at a street fight downtown.
Yeah. It would be a bitch. Lots of hassle. Press people and paparazzi everywhere. The beauty of it is that as a society, instead of spending way too much time and money going out to action movies, we could all live “Waterworld” and “Beyond ThunderDome” all day every day in our own neighborhoods across the country!
There is a point to all this, though. The point is that however bad it turned out , one thing would be certain — Trayvon Martin would still be alive — and George Zimmerman would be dead. RIP. Take your pick, hoody parents.